A quick poem

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A quick poem

Post by Sgt. Pepper on Tue Mar 25, 2008 12:16 am

Just a small peom I wrote awhile ago that I thought would be nice to share with you guys. Not well structured but here it is.

(Untitled)

A homeless man without a heartbeat
He lies alone down on Third Street
A garbage fire warms his feet
All the suits he would meet and greet.

They give their pity change to him
Thought that he would just go away
He’ll be there for a while
Waiting for his lucky day

Hidden past the shadows
Only streetlights exposed
What you thought to be gone

A gutter full of sorrow
A city full of shame
Too many faces full of madness
Too many dreams without a hope

How many chances do you get?
He was born without a chance
Now he’ll live without a future



- Dylan G. (Sgt. Pepper)


Last edited by Sgt. Pepper on Tue Mar 25, 2008 12:54 am; edited 1 time in total
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Re: A quick poem

Post by Garheardt on Tue Mar 25, 2008 12:19 am

I hope you know that will never become a song.
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Re: A quick poem

Post by Sgt. Pepper on Tue Mar 25, 2008 12:20 am

I hope you know I clearly said it was a poem.
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Re: A quick poem

Post by Oh No Chastity on Tue Mar 25, 2008 12:25 am

Personally, it seemed very lyrical and I could see it as a song for a more alternative band.

I liked the theme of it. It was moving, and I also liked the stanza beginning with "a gutter full of sorrow". That was incredibly memorable to me.

I feel as though it kind of trickled off toward the end, maybe the last stanza was unneeded? The last line of the second to last stanza was incredibly powerful, I think it may be better just ending there.

Otherwise, I love this poem.

Good job, and thank you for sharing.
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Re: A quick poem

Post by Sgt. Pepper on Tue Mar 25, 2008 12:55 am

Ya, it needs to be cleaned up a bit for structure and flow. I'll agree with that.

Edit: I changed around the last stanza. I think it worls a bit better now.
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Re: A quick poem

Post by Garheardt on Tue Mar 25, 2008 12:57 am

The more I read the more I like it.

But the more I like it the more I realize how much rejecting it would crush your spirits.

No song for you.
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Re: A quick poem

Post by xLucky on Sat Feb 18, 2012 12:00 pm

Roses are red
Violets are blue
I stuck it in your mother's anus
And she had you


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Re: A quick poem

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